11.19.2009

Three-wall repetition, mirrored

Behind the giant banana: a head of blonde, corkscrew curls

Unfortunately there isn't much interesting here. my goals are failed: what this was/wasn't supposed to be, how I write. I feel like I need something more substantial. or not. I think that's what [Private Radio] is about. well. no. In a way, it's about substance, whether feigned or not. and people who look for something, like you: my one complaint about you is that you always try to find a meaning in something even if it's not there or won't be there or was never meant to be there. maybe it was my ode to you. but it's not finished. not at all.

All of my words are bullshit and they thrive off of others' attraction to that. I can't laugh because it's not funny and it would take time away from what I really need to do.

Complete understanding with another human being. Everything was perfect, like the greatest dream I've ever had. I need more people like him in my life, in my knowledge. Just knowing that there are people like that gives me hope. I walked around today and I wondered if it would happen again. I knew it was near-impossible. and I was right. I keep wondering why I didn't. and I have to tell myself that it wasn't the right time. no, not in life. more of day, of situation. All these followers don't let me do what I really want to do. Ugly leeches. So I set out today, freed from those people, in search of something. that feeling. and I didn't find it. But I felt better just being with me. and then I wondered whether I really needed that companionship, that competence. and I decided that I didn't. But that it was a nice thing to have, and an even better thing to know that it existed.

I find myself dreaming of railroads, of being a strong, competent man. and I can't sleep at night, that desire for action not allowing me to close my eyes.

back to youth church bells what I could have had think about picking up soda can try to rid myself call Hannah for feeling boy in the same situation runners should be more active my knee

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